"Happy Thanksgiving."
"Merry Christmas."
"Have a wonderful holiday."

It’s the same phrases over and over again. People smiling, being merry, watching Elf and celebrating life. But sometimes, if I’m being honest, this time of year feels heavy—heavy with the weight of loss and loneliness.

A few times this week, I’ve wanted to curl into a ball and cry. Not the pretty kind of crying, but the soul-wrenching, heartbroken kind. The kind that leaves a snotty nose imprint on your bed and wet pillow cases that need washing. 

That’s the thing about being a survivor. Once the “outside” pain is gone, people forget how broken you might still feel on the inside. The world seems to expect you to be grateful, to shout "Happy Holidays" from the mountaintop because you made it. But survivorship is hard. For every moment of triumph, there’s a shadow of what’s been lost: who you were, the people you loved that are no longer with you, the holiday memories where joy and pain are so entwined to separate them would be like untangling silk threads.

During the holidays, being a survivor can feel like a burden. You walk into spaces where grief isn’t allowed. You feel the need to hide your emotions to preserve the “peace on earth and goodwill to all” vibe. You may find yourself withdrawing or dissociating—not because you don’t need support, but because you don’t want to burden others with feelings that don’t match the festive ho-ho-ho spirit.

For those of you who understand these feelings, I want you to know: you are not alone. Other survivors are also struggling this holiday season. I see you. I hear you. I believe you. And all of your feelings are valid.

As a survivor myself, here are some things that help me get through the holidays. With all of my heart, I hope they bring you comfort, too.

Hold Your Boundaries

Let me be the first to validate you: If going to that Friendsgiving, family dinner, or work gathering is causing you anxiety, you don’t have to go.

Let me say it again. You DON'T have to go.

If talking to that aunt or uncle whose political views make you feel uneasy, hold firm and don’t engage in those conversations. If chatting with your siblings about past events are too hard,you can say, “I don’t want to discuss (topic) today. Maybe we can revisit this conversation sometime in the future.” Too often, we feel pressure  to set aside our boundaries to please others. For survivors, this can be even more damaging, reopening wounds we’re still trying to mend. This holiday season, I encourage you to write down your anxieties and name them. Then, create firm boundaries you can stick to. If an event feels wrong, say no—early and often! Hold your boundaries to protect your mental health. You matter. You deserve respect. And you don’t belong in spaces that deny you the dignity you need to heal.

Take Care of Yourself… No really. Stop and do something just for you.

Stop pushing your needs aside.  As a person who is guilty of the same thing, I’ve learned that ignoring my own feelings often led to harmful behaviors, like overeating or being short-tempered with my younger siblings, as I bottled up my emotions. What we suppress, we unexpectedly express. We can only hold so much. We can only be so strong, so stoic, before our internal pressure valve exceeds its limits. Whether that pressure is relieved through a slow leak or through an explosion of anger, confusion, or sadness, the pressure has to go somewhere. 

Self-care during the holidays is crucial. Whether it’s taking a solo walk, journaling, or allowing yourself to cry, find time to feel your emotions in a private, safe space. If you need someone to talk to, reach out to a trusted friend or family member who can actively listen without judgment.

Giving yourself moments of self-care can help you process your feelings and be more present when spending time with others.

Reach Out for Help

Sometimes, the burden is just too heavy to carry alone. That’s okay. Lean on your support system. For me, my wife is my rock during the holidays. When we attend events together, we make a plan: what conversations to avoid, when to arrive and when we need to depart (yes, I treat it like a flight plan with my favorite copilot), and cues to signal when one of us needs help getting out of an awkward situation. Y’all know what I’m talking about, someone corners you and just starts yap yap yapping, but no one else in the room wants to make eye contact to save you! Yea, in that moment having someone in your corner makes a world of difference.

If you don’t have a close person nearby, consider checking in with a friend or family member by phone before and after an event. Or bring a journal to step away and process your feelings. Naming your emotions is powerful—it helps you validate your experience and navigate difficult moments without adding more trauma.

This time of year can be both the best and the worst. Survivors live with this duality daily. But your strength is revealed when you allow yourself to feel your feelings and honor your journey in the midst of hard times. If you’re finding it hard to navigate the holidays this year, you don’t have to do it alone. At JT Consulting we partner with schools, businesses, and community organizations to create more supportive environments where every employee, student, and/or community member doesn’t have to feel alone- at the holidays and throughout the year. If you want to learn more about how we can support the places and spaces you live and work in, schedule a consultation. We’d love to meet you.