Thanksgiving is nearly here and for those of us who are concerned about a family member or friend who may be experiencing domestic violence, it can be an opportunity for us to offer our support. Here are three simple tips you can use to show up for your loved one.

Fostering Connection

Domestic violence thrives in isolation. Isolation makes forms of abuse like gaslighting, a form of psychological abuse used to make a survivor doubt themselves and their sense of reality, much more effective because the abuser can control the narrative without intervention. Isolation can create hopelessness; a lot of survivors feel like they don’t have an option to leave because their abuser has convinced them that there’s nowhere to go and that no one will support or believe them. In reality, being friends with or the family member of someone experiencing abuse can be difficult; because the survivor is working overtime to keep things calm in their relationship, they may cancel plans or retreat from their other relationships. If you have the opportunity to see them this Thanksgiving, use that opportunity to reconnect. Simply experiencing moments of connection can remind them that they are not alone and that there are people outside of their relationship who care about them and will support them. They don’t have to share anything they aren’t ready to share; it can be powerful just to know and feel that they are loved, and that people still care about them. It can instill a seed of hope.

Listen. 

When we are worried about someone we love, we often want to jump into action and simply listening may not sound like doing enough. The person experiencing abuse already has a partner who uses behaviors to gain and maintain control over them. As much as we may want to do something active to fix the situation, simply offering them a space to share and feel heard may be the most powerful action we can take. If we actively listen to them and validate their feelings, we are helping to combat the psychological abuse their partner is using to make them feel trapped. We can show them we believe them by reflecting their language and acknowledging that what they are feeling is valid and real. 

Express Concern Not Judgment

If our loved one shares their doubts about the relationship or acknowledges their pain, it can be really tempting to share our own negative perceptions about their partner. It’s important to remember that it takes 7-9 attempts to end an abusive relationship and that it may not always be safe to leave. Unfortunately, when we criticize someone’s partner, they often feel the need to defend that person and as they defend them to us, they are also justifying to themselves why they should stay. If they stay in the relationship, or get back together, it may feel impossible to share with us again because they don’t want to feel judged. Sharing judgments, even with the best of intentions, can end up pushing a survivor closer to their abuser and further from us. If we have created a space where they feel able to share with us, we can express concern but need to avoid language that sounds judgmental. Rather than say something like, “Ugh, your partner is the worst. Why can’t you see that you’re so much better without them?” You can say something like, “Thank you for sharing with me what’s been going on with your partner. It sounds really hard and I don’t want you to feel alone in this. I’m here to listen and wonder if we can make a regular time to check in- maybe we could make a weekly date to go for a walk or grab coffee? Or I can just text or call you to check in when it’s good for you. No matter what, I want you to know you’re not alone and I am here for you, always.” 

When we love someone who is experiencing abuse it can be scary, hard, and painful. Just as we want survivors to know that they are not alone, we want to remind you that you are not alone, either. We are here to support you as you support the survivors in your life.