5 Tips for Supporting a Survivor of Sexual Assault
Sexual Assault Awareness Month is here. You may be hearing about events in your community, noticed posters going up on your campus, or seen social media posts (like our blog last week) that encourage awareness raising and dialogue about sexual violence- an issue that continues to be shrouded in secrecy and shame despite its prevlance. Maybe you even were that person who brought a speaker to your school, who shared statistics on your social media accounts, or attended your company’s lunch and learn. So, now what happens?
When we take the courageous step to show up at an event or help spread awareness about sexual violence, even if it’s simply reposting something on social media, we signal to the people who are connected to us that this is an issue we care about. And that makes it more likely that someone we know may disclose to us that they have been sexually assaulted. The fear of receiving a disclosure and not knowing what to say prevents some folks from acknowledging this issue at all but we can and we must do better. This blog will offer you tips on what to do- and not to do- if you receive a disclosure of sexual assault.
Listen- really listen: When someone tells us they’ve been sexually assaulted, they are sharing an experience of profound and meaningful loss of control; their voice was silenced and their control was taken away. As someone who cares about them, we can also feel a loss of control when we learn about their trauma for the first time. Our minds may begin to race as we try to think of the perfect thing to say, the perfect advice to offer, or how we can immediately make things better for them. While we may feel pressure to do or say something immediately, what many of us are looking for when we share our story is to feel and be heard. So take a breath. Feel your feet on the ground. And listen, really listen, to what they are telling you.
Reflection: When you are listening, pay close attention to the words they are using and mirror their language. If they describe their experience as an assault, you call it an assault. We often feel compelled to try to say something different to avoid being repetitive, but these words have deep meaning. If they say assault and you say rape, they may feel you are mislabeling their experience and not really hearing or seeing them. We don’t have to search for the perfect words to demonstrate we hear them- we simply need to reflect their own language.
Choice: It’s not uncommon to feel powerless when we first learn about an event that already occurred- we can’t change what happened, so we may want to compensate by jumping into problem solving mode and attempting to “fix” the problem. The person who was assaulted already had control taken away from them and they do not need us to do the same. Allow them to feel in control of the conversation and how much they are ready to share. Offer options, rather than advice. Instead of saying, “You should go to counseling,” You can say, “I know there are resources in our community dedicated to providing support to people who have had these experiences. If you wanted to talk to someone, we could call the hotline together and ask questions about what services they offer. Or, if you’re not up for it right now, I’m happy to get some info for you in case you want it in the future.” Simply changing a “should” to a “could” is a powerful shift from telling someone what they should do to thinking together about what they can do. It’s an acknowledgement that they didn’t get to have control over what happened to them, and now they get to choose what they want to do and when they are ready to do it. If you are in a role where you can’t offer choice- for instance, if you are a responsible employee receiving a disclosure from a student, offer transparency. If we are restricted on what we can keep confidential or if there are steps we have to take because of our professional role, I strongly encourage you to share that information proactively (in an orientation meeting with a new employee or the first day of class) and remind the survivor of your limitations and requirements as they begin to share with you. This is not to discourage survivors from disclosing but rather to ensure that they have informed consent and know what to expect if they choose to disclose to you.
Ask yourself before you ask them: It’s natural to be curious and have questions about the details of what exactly happened. We do not need the details of someone’s trauma to be able to support them. Many survivors struggle to tell others what they experienced because they fear they will be blamed or not believed; when we begin to fire questions at them (even with the best intentions) it can feel like we are interrogating them. Before you ask them a question, ask yourself why you want to know this information: will knowing their response increase your ability to support them?
Boundaries and Consistency: It takes a lot of courage for a survivor to disclose to someone. It is a sacred act to receive that disclosure, and when it is someone we care about, it can have an impact on us, as well. It’s important that the support we offer to them is realistic and sustainable. Rather than offering open-ended support that we may not be able to sustain (such as offering someone to stay with you as long as they’d like, if you can really only have them stay for a couple of days), offer what you can so you can show up for them with consistency. I like to offer specific options for the time and way I will follow up such as, “I’m so glad you shared this with me and I’d really like to check in again. I’ll be off work at 5:30 on Thursday- would you want to meet for dinner or have a phone date then?”
If you are someone who has received a disclosure of sexual assault, you do not need to suddenly become an expert or an advocate. These simple strategies can make a big difference; the simple act of being heard and believed can truly be transformative. While JTC doesn’t offer direct support services, we are always happy to connect you with local resources who can support you and your loved one.
If you’re looking for ways to learn more or you want to partner with us to bring more education to your workplace or school, schedule a call with us today.
