Being a survivor is tough, but what about being the sister of a survivor? Or their parents, best friend, or co-worker? Whatever your title, being part of a survivor’s support system can be physically and emotionally draining. But this isn’t a blog about the sadness, exhaustion, or guilt you might feel. This is about your anger. Whether you call it blowing a fuse, flying off the handle, or being hot under the collar, anger is a natural response when you’re supporting a survivor. Before you let your loved one have a piece of your mind, let’s take a moment to reflect.

In our lessons, we teach that domestic violence happens when one partner, friend, or spouse uses coercive measures to gain and maintain power and control over another person. From the outside, it may seem completely obvious that two people aren’t good for each other. Maybe you’ve heard them fighting, or the survivor has confided in you about the abuse. Like many others, you might notice the survivor in your life pulling away, ignoring calls or texts, and going longer stretches without contact.

But you try anyway. You say what’s on your mind. You write a long text or corner them at the next family gathering. You might say:

“Why don’t you just leave him?”

“How could you stay with her?”

‘You can do better than such-and-such. Just leave them!”

You tell them how much they’re loved. How worthy they are of love and respect. How they deserve so much more. Then you wait. And wait. And wait. But...dun dun dunnnnnn—they stay. Or they leave and then go back. Or they post happy pictures on Instagram, even though you know what’s happening behind closed doors.

And that’s when the anger sets in. At first, you might have been mad at the abuser. But now, that anger turns on the survivor. You start blaming them—for not leaving, for not finding the resources to escape, for not finding the strength within themselves to change their situation. This is the hardest thing to reconcile within yourself. You may even ask questions like:

What could I have done differently to make them leave?

Why didn’t I see this coming?

Here’s the truth that’s hard to hear: It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to not understand. It’s okay to want to save the day. And it’s okay to acknowledge that you can’t fix it. Fixing implies that someone is broken. Survivors may be wounded, and they may carry deep scars, but you can’t fight someone else’s battles. You can’t heal anyone else’s wounds. Like a parent watching their child grow up, there comes a time when you can’t put a bandage over their boo-boos. People get to make their own choices—good or bad. Survivors are no different. They have the right to navigate their lives and relationships as they choose, not as we think they should.

Our anger, though valid, can blind us to the real issue. Domestic violence exists, but when we react in anger—offering ultimatums or verbally attacking their partner—we put survivors in a position where they feel they must choose between us and their abuser. It’s natural to want to pull someone off the tracks of a speeding train, but this assumes we know what’s best for them. By trying to “fix” the situation, we inadvertently recreate the dynamics of power and control we want them to escape. So what can you do?

Support the Survivor, But Hold Firm Boundaries

Supporting a survivor can take many forms. Maybe you avoid discussing their relationship. Maybe you tell them you don’t want to hear about the abuse right now. Just because you’re part of their support system doesn’t mean you have to absorb every detail of their struggles. Without guilting them, explain how their relationship impacts you and set boundaries to preserve your mental health.

When my wife’s friend Ashley got involved with an abusive partner, we established firm boundaries. For example, no calls after 6 PM when her partner was home, and only asking questions related to her children, steering clear of conversations about her relationship. My wife wanted to maintain the friendship but realized she needed to work through her emotions—especially her anger—without being overwhelmed by the abuse.

As a result, the relationship became less of a mental burden while still allowing space for support. My wife found other ways to show she cared: helping with childcare, sending funny memes to check in, or attending church together. When the topic of Ashley’s partner came up, it was only during face-to-face conversations and when my wife had the emotional capacity to engage.

Making the Hard Choice

Sometimes, firm boundaries aren’t enough. The anger may persist, and the survivor’s choices may leave you feeling helpless. You might lash out or publicly call out the abuser, but nothing changes. Then, you face a tough decision: hold onto your anger or hold onto your relationship with the survivor.

Abusers rely on isolation to maintain control, and they hope you’ll give up. They want you to withdraw your support. But choosing to step back doesn’t mean abandoning the survivor. Sometimes, it means choosing your own well-being while continuing to show love from a distance.

Just as survivors have the right to stay or leave, you have the right to protect your happiness. You can say, “I love you, but I can’t watch you be hurt anymore.” Sometimes, the best way to help is to model healthy relationships—showing that love and respect don’t require coercive measures.

Anger often masks sadness. At its root is the pain of watching someone you love being hurt repeatedly. When you accept that you can’t control their choices, that anger can begin to fade.

Supporting a survivor of domestic violence is a journey filled with complex emotions. It’s okay to feel those emotions—they’re valid and human. What’s important is to channel them constructively, focusing on maintaining your connection with the survivor while respecting their autonomy. Remember, being a supportive presence doesn’t mean carrying the burden of someone else’s struggles. It means creating a space of love and understanding that empowers them to navigate their path at their own pace.

And as you support them, don’t forget to take care of yourself—because your well-being matters too!