Picture this: You recently landed your dream job. You are working hard to get to know (and win over) your new colleagues. You sit in the staff lunchroom every day, making small talk, learning about people’s jobs and their lives outside of work. One day you are grabbing your lunch from the fridge, and you hear a discussion about a story that has been all over the news. A young woman was murdered by her partner in a nearby community. The perpetrator is from a well-known and well-respected family, so the news coverage has been constant. You hear a colleague make an off-hand remark, questioning what this woman must have done to provoke her partner’s uncontrollable- and deadly- rage.

What do you do? What do you say?

Perhaps this scenario sounds entirely unfamiliar to you. But perhaps you have that one relative who likes to share their “outdated” opinions that are steeped in sexism and racism at family gatherings. Or maybe you’ve been a member of a sports team that participates in highly visible events that address gender-based violence, like the White Ribbon Campaign, but when you return back to the locker room you hear your teammates making homophobic jokes, or using degrading and dehumanizing language when talking about their sexual partners. 

When faced with any of these scenarios in our personal and professional lives, we are constantly weighing the risks and rewards of intervening. We mentally calculate what harm might be caused to us if we say something and what harm might be caused to others if we say nothing. 

When I first started in this field, I was trained in a bystander intervention curriculum where I was introduced to the Rape Culture Pyramid. At the top of the pyramid were examples of what many of us think of as the most egregious forms of sexual violence: rape, domestic violence homicide, physical violence. These acts are not random and they are not uncommon. For these types of crimes to continue to occur at such an alarming rate they have to be built on a solid foundation of more common and more subtle- perhaps every day- expressions of domination and oppression. The base of the pyramid is full of examples like the scenarios I described above. The remarks we hear from our colleagues, teammates, family members, and friends help to inform the culture of our workplaces, schools, and communities. If victim-blaming comments go unchecked, it sends a message to people who perpetuate violence that they can harm others and not be held responsible. It also sends a powerful message to survivors- who may not have shared their story before- that they will not be believed and perhaps even blamed if they do tell someone. 

When we think of violence prevention, many of us picture ourselves intervening at the top of the pyramid. We imagine that if we ever saw someone being assaulted we would find our superhero cape and we would swoop in and save the day. Sure, there could be some risk to our safety, but the reward would be evident- we would be a hero. When we are faced with a victim-blaming comment made by a colleague in the staff lunchroom, we can convince ourselves that the risk to our reputation and relationships is greater than the potential risk to others- it’s only words, after all. If no one else holds that colleague accountable our silence feels justified. We tell ourselves, “It’s not a big deal, it’s not worth the risk. Maybe they didn’t really mean it. I might offend them if I say something.” 

As my friend JAC Patrisse has taught me, “Compassion without accountability is collusion.” 

I challenge all of us to think about the ways we can actively confront attitudes and beliefs that permit violence to occur to so many people. How do we play a role in shifting our company or community norms to silently condoning imbalances of power and gender-based violence to a community that loudly and emphatically condemns it? How do we create communities- or perhaps even a world- where people are held accountable with compassion and survivors are believed and supported. 

It’s not easy to know what to do or what to say to hold the ones we care about accountable. The next time you hear a friend or family member make an offensive joke, I encourage you to lean into the discomfort. Take a deep breath. Intervention doesn’t always have to be big and grand; small actions can make a big difference. Acknowledge that while they may have intended to be funny, their words are harmful. It doesn’t have to be perfect or graceful- you can even use humor yourself. Give it a try. And if you want to learn more about how you can help to foster social change in your workplace, school, or company, we are here to help. JT Consulting can offer trainings and consultation to enable individuals, companies, schools, and communities become part of the solution to violence prevention.