Shifting from ‘should’ to ‘could’ can make all the difference

Have you ever received advice you didn’t want and/or didn’t ask for? 

We probably all know what it feels like to receive unsolicited and unhelpful advice. And yet, when we imagine someone coming to us for support, we can think it is our job to provide the perfect sage advice to help that person. 

Advice giving can feel really good. I might even venture to say that giving advice feels better than receiving advice. When we give advice we put ourselves in a position of power. We get to feel like we are fixing something, making something better. It often has less to do with what the other person needs or is looking for from us, and more to do with our need to feel capable and comfortable. It is uncomfortable to just be with someone who is suffering. We prefer doing over being. 

When it comes to supporting someone who has experienced a trauma like domestic or sexual violence, we need to remember that they have control taken away from them during that experience. When we care about someone who has had that kind of experience, we can also feel a loss of control. It is incredibly tempting to want to take control back by telling that person what they should do. But when we tell someone what to do, we are communicating that we know better, and we are further taking control away from them. This doesn’t mean we can’t help them. It just means we have to redefine what “help” really means. 

First and foremost, we need to really listen. Not the kind of “listening” where we are just waiting for our turn to speak, but really listening with an open heart and our whole bodies. When someone has had their voice was silenced or invalidated, it can be transformative to feel truly heard and seen when that experience is shared with someone they trust. 

As we listen, we may think of something that could offer additional support or help to the person we are supporting. How we offer this information is perhaps even more important than the information itself. Rather than use advice-giving language like “you should” we can offer options by using words like “you could.” This shifts the power away from us and back to where it belongs- with the person who had their control stripped away. An example of this could sound like, “I’m so glad you are sharing this with me. I want you to know I hear you and I am so grateful you told me. I also want to make sure you have options of other avenues of support and can connect with professionals who know more about these issues than I do. I would be happy to look up some local and national resources in case you ever want to talk to someone. If you decide you want to call, I could be with you when you do if that would be helpful. Or I can call and ask some questions to learn more about what they do. Or I can just leave the information with you whenever and however it’s helpful in the future.” How support is offered can play the biggest role in whether someone feels supported and heard or talked at and invalidated. 

We know what it’s like to be given advice when what we really wanted was to be heard. We also know how uncomfortable we can feel around someone whose advice we didn’t take- it may actually make it hard to share more with them in the future. So, take the pressure off your shoulders of trying to have the perfect solution ready for a friend or loved one. One of the most important things we can do is to slow down, take a breath, and be truly present with the person who is sharing with us. And when we offer options instead of advice, we center their needs and acknowledge their agency. A “should” gives us the power. A “could” is recognizing that they are the expert, and the power belongs to them. 

Want to host a workshop and learn more about how to support someone who has experienced sexual or domestic violence? Schedule with us today!