Why We Still Need October and Why We Can’t Wait for It

Over the past few weeks my social media feeds have been filled with posts and statements about domestic violence. Even as someone who has worked in the field for over two decades, it is unusual for me to see so many people- including so many people who don’t work in the domestic violence field- posting about domestic violence. Domestic violence is happening every day in every community. But we don’t hear about domestic violence every day. So when do we? 

Despite its prevalence, domestic violence continues to be shrouded in secrecy and shame. When it does make the news and enter the public discourse is almost always when one or both of the parties involved is a celebrity. I first started listening to Cassie Ventura’s music when I was in college. I honestly can’t remember ever not listening to music that Sean “Diddy” Combs produced and/or performed. Regardless of what I think of their music, when I learned that Cassie had filed a lawsuit against Combs in November 2023 that detailed years of sexual and physical abuse she suffered, I was heartbroken. I also knew that there would be backlash; backlash that I’m sure Cassie anticipated as well. As soon as the news broke there was a deluge of people attacking Cassie’s character, claiming it was all made up, and accusations of attempting to profit from this story. I’m not going to say that people never lie about abuse. But I do know that there are often far more costs to the reporting party, which can be equally, if not more, traumatic than the abuse itself. To make the decision to come forward and share one’s story in an effort to hold an abuser accountable is incredibly brave and sadly, a survivor is far more likely to be found guilty of lying by the court of public opinion than an abuser is to be found guilty by a court of law. 

In May, CNN released video footage from March of 2016 that depicted what Cassie had previously reported; an incident of terrifying physical abuse committed against her by Sean Combs. And now, I cannot read anything about this story without the video immediately beginning to replay. I do not want to watch that video. I do not need to watch that video. But it seems that many people felt justified to watch it and only after viewing it felt convinced that Cassie’s story was true. 

I was immediately reminded of a blog I wrote in 2014 after a similar video was leaked of Baltimore Ravens player, Ray Rice, striking his wife Janay. In it I wrote, “We expect to know the exact details, we expect to hear the 911 phone calls, and perhaps we will even see a cell phone video…The scene is, in essence, recreated for us and we are given the opportunity to relive it. In the absence of detail, we feel disappointed; we shrug it off as not very important, perhaps not even believable.This has many implications for us as individuals and as communities, but in the case of intimate partner violence, the implications are especially troubling…When we focus on sensationalizing violence and all the ‘gory details’, we both impact the ability of friends and family to take seriously forms of abuse that don’t leave physical marks, as well as  the ability of the survivors themselves to take their own experience seriously.” 

While June is just beginning, many of us are already planning events for Domestic Violence Awareness Month in October. This story is a reminder of why we still need a month dedicated to raising awareness about domestic violence. We need to be lifting this issue out of the shadows not because of the latest horrifying news but because there are survivors living with abuse every day who deserve to be connected with resources and support. Because we all deserve healthy relationships and safe communities and we all can learn how to recognize, respond to, and prevent domestic violence. But we don’t need to wait all summer to learn about domestic violence. We can’t wait all summer to start talking about domestic violence. We need to have these conversations often and ongoing. If you are someone who doesn’t usually post information about these issues, your friends and family will take notice when you do. If you’re not sure how to start, we can help you. 

And let’s remember and honor Cassie’s heartfelt request, “My only ask is that EVERYONE open your heart to believing victims the first time. It takes a lot of heart to tell the truth out of a situation that you were powerless in.”

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