You are a total boss. You are experiencing relationship abuse. You are not alone.

You can be accomplished. You can be a leader. You can be someone that others look up to, maybe even someone’s hero. You can be crushing it professionally, and you can also be experiencing abuse. Being a leader and experiencing abuse are not mutually exclusive experiences. I felt compelled to write this blog because I see too many accomplished professionals suffering in silence; their image and success have become an additional barrier to seeking and receiving support. 

I hear from incredible people who are excelling in their field while also feeling stuck and isolated because no one knows they are experiencing abuse in their relationship. Their leadership status and the image of success they are projecting increases their shame about what is happening at home and is hidden from view. I know how heavy this shame can feel all too well. 

My senior year of college should have been a celebratory time. I had designed a concentration in sexual assault prevention, which enabled me to devote myself to academic research on intervention and prevention best practice and use that to inform the programming I built on my campus. I graduated Summa Cum Laude, a member of Phi Beta Kappa, and was recognized with a community service award at my graduation. I worked harder than I thought I was capable of for the 4 years I attended American University. I wish I could remember that final year with a glow of pride, but when I look back there’s a dark cloud of shame casting a shadow over what could have been a beautiful and meaningful time of my life. 

At the same time that I was being recognized as a champion of gender-based violence prevention, I was experiencing abuse in my relationship. I felt unworthy of the positive recognition. I was terrified that my peers- or worse, my mentors- would discover my shameful secret and would see me for who I really was- a fraud. My abuser was all too aware of this fear and would use it to keep me silent and isolated. 

I knew what was happening to me was wrong. I was not only educated about the warning signs- I was teaching others how to spot the red flags. But leaving this relationship felt impossible. And asking for help seemed just as daunting; wouldn’t I lose all credibility and negate all that I had worked to accomplish if I admitted I needed help? 

Too often I hear this same story; survivors who have worked so hard to achieve professional success and are full of shame and terrified of what they stand to lose if they seek support. 

I’ll write now what I couldn’t fully believe when I was 21. The abuse I was experiencing was not my fault, and staying in that relationship did not mean that I deserved to be abused. It also did not diminish or negate the positive impact my work created.

If you are someone who feels trapped by your success, you are worthy of support. You can be an agent of change and empowerment for others and also be controlled and harmed by someone you love. And you don’t have to go through it alone. 

I implore businesses and leaders of community organizations to create spaces for your employees- including your fellow leaders- to learn about domestic violence and gain access to support. You may never know who in your company most needs this information.

Schedule a lunch and learn or book a workshop with us today!